i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
