I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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