My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
