I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
