Ambien. No doubt about it.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
