I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
