Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
