it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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