I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
