maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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