saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
