Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
