After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I need mimosas to revive my soul
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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