Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
