You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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