Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
