The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
