I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
