i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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