I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
