i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
