I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
