when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
