i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
