You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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