I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
