Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
