I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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