We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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