There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
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