before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Im part way to drunk.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
