im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
