Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
