I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
