My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
