the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
