i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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