Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I just blew my weed a kiss
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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