What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
