Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
