I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize
