Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
