I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
