first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Randomize
