Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Randomize
