I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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