The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
