I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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