Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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