omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
