Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
