Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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